Narrator: This is the sad tale of the township of Dogville. Dogville was in the Rocky Mountains in the US of A, up here where the road came to its definitive end, near the entrance to the old abandoned silver mine. The residents of Dogville were good honest folks, and they liked their township. And while a sentimental soul from the East Coast had once dubbed their main street Elm Street, though no elm had ever cast its shadow in Dogville, they saw no reason to change anything. Most of the buildings were pretty wretched, more like shacks, frankly. The house in which Tom lived was the best, though, and in good times, might almost have passed for presentable. That afternoon, the radio was playing softly, for in his dotage, Thomas Edison senior had developed a weakness for music of the lighter kind.

At the time of the Commonwealth heads of government meeting in Malta eight months ago, most public places in and around Valletta and Floriana, and routes leading to their hotel in Golden Bay and to sites to which delegates were being taken, looked at their best.

Gangs of workers were constantly seen cleaning up streets and ensuring that everything was in place. Signposts twisted beyond recognition were put right or replaced, rubbish that had collected in corners removed, broken kerbs seen to, new plants planted and the odd splash of paint given here and there to make the official routes look spanking clean. Pass through some of the same routes again today and see the difference.

Yes, Castille Place, in Valletta, is still being kept nice and clean and attractive, even though the auberge railing badly needs a lick of paint. (Whose bright idea is the plan to turn Castille Place into an open space?). And so is the area surrounding the War Memorial, up to Blata l-Bajda and a bit beyond. But then move on, and the farther up you go, to the same routes which the CHOGM delegates had passed through, the scene gradually metamorphoses into one of neglect, except for the stretch of new road.

A few weeks ago Lanzarote had promised its loyal readers that it would carry occasional spoofs - the idea was to target all sorts of Maltese media pundits. Piles of work, travel and the World Cup conspired to halt that idea in its tracks. We now note with horror and shame that J'accuse has moved on from (successfully) spoofing blogs and has actually taken up the real challenge - spoofing/hi-jacking more people that really matter. His I.M. Jack concept looks promising: the trademark culinary flourish is spot on. Although admittedly, Beck himself might smile wryly at the thought of dining on an anonymous balcony in the middle of Luxembourg. In terms of VIPs, au maximum you'd be sharing the view with Josef Bonnici. And a three-hour conversation about the Court of Auditors isn't exactly Kate Moss on coke. Why opt for Luxembourg when St. Julian's offers plenty of celebrity excitement? Heat magazine is already talking about 'The Contractor Slap' as a Maltese phenomenon likely to take over the world. We suspect that J'accuse has calculated that Beck will give him some free publicity in this period of blog-slump. After all, Malta still hasn't joined il resto del mondo civilizzato by granting bloggers a proper welcome (permanent links et al.) into the mainstream media world. What are they waiting for? Perhaps Toni Sant will share his thoughts on the matter during our dinner tonight. We're looking forward. But more on that later.

Zidane and Materazzi, Israel and its enemies

The pages of The Times have been filled with pro- and anti- Zidane letters, with a nice dose of our trademark moralising. But the most fascinating phenomenon following the infamous coup de boule, has been the reaction of the French and Italian press. You’d have expected a balance of views within each country. No prizes for guessing what the Lega Nord’s La Padania would say. But what ensued was a resolutely anti-Zidane (and anti-French) reaction from the whole spectrum of Italian newspapers and a pro-Zidane, anti-Materazzi (and anti-Italian) stance from the French. La Repubblica (left of centre, hardly nationalistic in stance and culturally refined) has carried several biting articles mocking the Zidane Canal + interview for its pomposity, lambasting the French public and media for treating that interview ‘come il ritorno del Messia’ and shouting ‘scandalo’ when FIFA handed down its sentence (3 days to Zizou and 2 days to Materazzi). The French press (both left and right – leaning) has taken a stubborn pro-Zidane and anti-Italian line. Zidane was the honest victim, the ‘cheating’,‘theatrical’ Italian provocateurs the real culprits. FIFA’s decision was justice faite, and taken as a sort of small victory for French pride. In one lyrical article, Liberation went even further by praising Zidane for his attack on Macellazzi’s chest. The only French paper which I came across that simply decided to pull Zizou’s leg was Le Canard Enchaine’, a satirical weekly which I occasionally pick up at the Commission’s Press Shop.

Le Concert Invisible

Two years ago, on a sunny car-free day in Brussels, I came across this guy spinning his Mozart and Vivaldi on Avenue de la Toison d’Or. A few beers, meetings, e-mails and phone calls later, Jerome is set to add some Bruxellois flavour to this year’s Malta Arts Festival. He’ll be spinning classical music in the open air in Valletta between the 10th and 14th August and adding his original musical experience to the Arts Council’s Opera House ‘campaign’.

Books

Sharon will be pleased to know that I’ve just returned from London with two more books which I’ll use for the feature on Travel and Tourism that I promised her a few weeks ago. I plan to review Where the Hell is Tuvalu? (Virgin Books) by a chap called Philip Ells, Just as Well I’m Leaving (Vintage Books) by Michael Booth and that book by Houllebecq. The review should start with these words: “We are living through stressful times. The Malta Tourism Authority insists that We’re All Brand Managers Now, Daphne Caruana Galizia claims that we’re a no-hope working class hell-hole and every pundit and his dog has got an opinion on what’s wrong with ‘Product Malta’”.

Blogs

Do pay a visit to the Kim Bah Lee blog. The author is English, in love with a lovely Maltese lady, a former Malta correspondent for Brussels’ top satirical rag – The Sprout – (Martin Jay, please note) and a keen fan of white Panama suits. Matt blogs about Malta, Bangkok, Brussels and frolicking naked on hot summer days in the Benelux. He also likes Lanzarote (the blog - neither the island, nor the book).

L’insalatiera

Lanzarote can confirm that Malta’s diplomatic relations with Spain have witnessed two (not one) tense incidents over the past weeks. On a recent trip to Luxembourg, a loud Spanish lady informed us, during a party, that Maltese people are rude when it comes to IKEA salad bowls and tablemats. They abuse of your kindness by asking you to purchase these objects for them but forget to pick them up – even following several polite reminders. They later inform you that ‘Heqq, I have been very busy’.

Pierre Mejlak and Toni Sant

Lanzarote is looking forward to tonight’s dinner with PJM and TS. PJM has informed us that TS is an informal type of guy so the kebab joint round the corner has been duly booked for the big occasion.

London

If you’re in the Old Street area, pop over to Shish (http://www.shish.co.uk/). Maps of the Silk Route give you an idea of the variety of food on offer here. And that’s not all – great cocktails await you downstairs in the chilled lounge bar. Try a cocktail called The Minty.

Maderlay

I bought Lars Von Trier’s Europa Trilogy and Manderlay (a sequel to his masterpiece Dogville) but haven't had time to watch them yet.

Quote unquote

“Le discours qui confond ses propres valeurs avec celles de l’humanite’ est celui de toutes les puissances dominantes, de l’Empire romain jusqu’a’ la grande nation, du bon temps des colonies jusqu’a l’american way of life.” Eric Zemmour, Le premier sexe, Editions Denoël, 2006