Thursday, December 22, 2005
Predictions for 2006
#1) In the first three months of 2006, every single Maltese expat will return to Malta, creating an unprecedented population explosion and a “real threat to our culture and traditions as well as an unbearable strain on our resources.”
#2) Xarabank will be renamed Ajruplan and will, in Big Brother style, chart the “thrilling, racy and exciting” lives of MEPs Joseph Muscat and David Casa as they “juggle” their various activities around the globe.
#3) A volcanic island, the size of Comino, will appear mysteriously from the depths to the south of Filfla. Defining it as “a gift from God in these challenging times”, Prime Minister Gonzi will announce that it presents the ideal solution to the immigration problem, declaring that Libya, Italy, Malta and Holland will share sovereignty of the craggy outcrop.
#4) Divorce will suddenly become a non-issue and it will be introduced by means of a “fast-track legislative procedure”. The Pope will promise never to visit Malta.
#5) Basing itself on the Depasquale Report, the UN will officially award Malta the “Racism-Free Country gong” at a glitzy, well-attended ceremony outside Safi barracks.
#6) Book-shops will sprout up all over the islands, replacing car showrooms. New-car importers’ champion Georg Sapiano will complain “we had no other option, damn it”. A flourishing of Malta’s cultural scene will ensue and the country will overtake Iceland as the world’s best-read nation.
#7) Daphne Caruana Galizia will become Malta’s only expat (see 1), leaving the island to set up a chic boutique in London’s Chelsea district. She will later claim that “I was getting caught up in a spiral of negativity. The country was just driving me fucking nuts.”
#8) Malta’s entry to the Eurovision Song Contest will be largely ignored by the local press. Leading pundits and opinion-makers (including Guze Stagno) will triumphantly declare “the birth of a new cultural revolution.”
#9) A cutting-edge underground “Maltro” system will be inaugurated to everyone’s sheer bewilderment. PM Gonzi will simply say “Ha! It has been kept secret for the past 10 years. Forget CHOGM guys - I promise you it will be the Pride of Europe. At any rate much better than this joke!”. Sant and several newspaper editors will resign on the spot. However, controversy will erupt over the names to be given to the stations, indefinitely postponing the opening of the system to the public. The Times will commission an on-line poll to discover whether readers would prefer stations to be called Chiara/Ira Losco; Borg Olivier/Mintoff; Ewropa/Le; San Gorg/Santa Marija and so on and so forth.
#10) Juventus will not win the Italian league.
#11) The KMB(2) (Klabb Malti Bocci Brussell) will organise its second (and last) game of bocci before the departure of all its members (see 1). The Luxembourg branch will be cordially invited to participate.
A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all loyal readers, fellow columnists and the editor of Lanzarote. In fact, on second thoughts, these wishes only go out to all those who agree with me. The rest of you might just as well piss off. ¶ 3:53 AM
#1) In the first three months of 2006, every single Maltese expat will return to Malta, creating an unprecedented population explosion and a “real threat to our culture and traditions as well as an unbearable strain on our resources.”
#2) Xarabank will be renamed Ajruplan and will, in Big Brother style, chart the “thrilling, racy and exciting” lives of MEPs Joseph Muscat and David Casa as they “juggle” their various activities around the globe.
#3) A volcanic island, the size of Comino, will appear mysteriously from the depths to the south of Filfla. Defining it as “a gift from God in these challenging times”, Prime Minister Gonzi will announce that it presents the ideal solution to the immigration problem, declaring that Libya, Italy, Malta and Holland will share sovereignty of the craggy outcrop.
#4) Divorce will suddenly become a non-issue and it will be introduced by means of a “fast-track legislative procedure”. The Pope will promise never to visit Malta.
#5) Basing itself on the Depasquale Report, the UN will officially award Malta the “Racism-Free Country gong” at a glitzy, well-attended ceremony outside Safi barracks.
#6) Book-shops will sprout up all over the islands, replacing car showrooms. New-car importers’ champion Georg Sapiano will complain “we had no other option, damn it”. A flourishing of Malta’s cultural scene will ensue and the country will overtake Iceland as the world’s best-read nation.
#7) Daphne Caruana Galizia will become Malta’s only expat (see 1), leaving the island to set up a chic boutique in London’s Chelsea district. She will later claim that “I was getting caught up in a spiral of negativity. The country was just driving me fucking nuts.”
#8) Malta’s entry to the Eurovision Song Contest will be largely ignored by the local press. Leading pundits and opinion-makers (including Guze Stagno) will triumphantly declare “the birth of a new cultural revolution.”
#9) A cutting-edge underground “Maltro” system will be inaugurated to everyone’s sheer bewilderment. PM Gonzi will simply say “Ha! It has been kept secret for the past 10 years. Forget CHOGM guys - I promise you it will be the Pride of Europe. At any rate much better than this joke!”. Sant and several newspaper editors will resign on the spot. However, controversy will erupt over the names to be given to the stations, indefinitely postponing the opening of the system to the public. The Times will commission an on-line poll to discover whether readers would prefer stations to be called Chiara/Ira Losco; Borg Olivier/Mintoff; Ewropa/Le; San Gorg/Santa Marija and so on and so forth.
#10) Juventus will not win the Italian league.
#11) The KMB(2) (Klabb Malti Bocci Brussell) will organise its second (and last) game of bocci before the departure of all its members (see 1). The Luxembourg branch will be cordially invited to participate.
A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all loyal readers, fellow columnists and the editor of Lanzarote. In fact, on second thoughts, these wishes only go out to all those who agree with me. The rest of you might just as well piss off. ¶ 3:53 AM
