According to the World Database of Happiness, compiled by Professor Ruut Veenhoven, of Rotterdam's Erasmus University, the 400,000 residents of this rocky Mediterranean archipelago are the most likely to describe themselves as happy - 74% did so.

Yes you know the story.

Professor Veenhoven and his team would probably be stunned to learn that their study has spawned serious soul-searching by Malta's virtual civil society which has now come up with its own categorization. Henceforth, Maltese society will be divided into three distinct groups:

1) miserable wankellectual expats (mainly holed up in 'dull' Luxembourg with a few specimens running around like headless chickens in the Belgian capital).

2) intellectually and verbally challenged tossers (sought out by lefty, arty-farty papers like The Guardian). Aka "ferhanin ghax boloh".

3) the "genuinely" happy rest (including Fausto Majistral and, presumably, Lawrence Gonzi. But certainly not Angry Balzan, nor loser 'investigative' journalists).