Christ outvoted in second poll

Tim Raving in Valletta, MALTA

Followers of presidential hopeful Jesus H. Christ were fuming yesterday amid allegations that a successful poll to elect the charismatic and handsome leader “Face of the Nation” had been reversed by the ‘coordinated trickery’ of a powerful lobby group calling itself ‘Sensible Thinkers for a Sane Malta’.

Contacted yesterday for a reaction following the outburst of anger, two spokespinners for ST-SM claimed that this was ‘just a storm in a glass of Kinnie’. ‘For God’s sake,’ said a senior ST-SM representative, wagging a knowing finger (and several slices of pizza) in our direction, ‘don’t these stupid people realise that Jesus H’s insertion in the original poll was a bit of a piss-take.’ Asked whether everyone had got the joke, his comely female colleague raised an eyebrow (which seemed to be suspended in mid-air for an eternity) at us before gushing, ‘Listen, these people are equipped with an IQ barely above that of my pet dog, they can’t tell their Klima from their Kundera and, quite frankly, they’re a bunch of fundamentalist bigots. If they didn’t get the joke, tough!’

An official ST-SM statement claimed that the first poll was 'not terribly serious' while the second vote and several 'logical' letters to the editors of the Times of Malta slamming the choice of Christ 'upheld the democratic rights of our nation'. Quizzed as to whether the suckers who voted in the original poll should be reimbursed the cost of their 'bloody useless' sms messages, a government spokesman broke down into hysterical laughter. 'I'll buy them a packet of Panini, orrajt?' he chuckled.

Reliable sources have informed us that original drafts of the polling documents included the words ‘Ha, ha, ha’ and a smiley after Jesus H. Christ’s name and that in the subsequent poll, the symbol known universally as “The Maltese Cross” was followed by the sentence “this is the most logical, sane, natural, intelligent option. In fact, just tick the f****** box or we’ll rip your f****** feet off.’

When pressed for a comment, the man at the centre of the controversy – a likeable hippie character - smiled confidently before saying: ‘I’m not too bothered, you know. As long as I keep getting coverage in the highbrow press down here and the occasional en passant mention by government ministers, I’ll cope OK. I'm not David Beckham after all.'

Looking out across the sea from his Valletta hotel room he added pragmatically: ‘Besides, there’s George W and his one dollar bill so we’re in fantastic company, I’m sure you’ll agree.’