How to write like a wanker Snippets from Guidenet.net which might just remind you of something. The final two are beautiful.

As one of my friends is fond of pointing out, a gratuitously bad command of the English language doesn't necessarily indicate a fundamentally dumb text. (If nothing else, a kitten walking across a keyboard may randomly type a Zen koan.) To present yourself as a proper wanker, you'll have to do better than sloppy spelling and atrocious grammar; you also have to demonstrate that you genuinely have no fucking clue what you're talking about.

Make Personal Attacks.If someone's arguing with you, the best way of refuting them is to call them a 'fag' or a 'Nazi'. ('Pedophile' is rapidly gaining popularity in this regard, too.) Make up wild and false accusations against them: "Mike just got out of prison for raping puppies, so he obviously isn't qualified to have an opinion about Unreal Tournament." Ignore their argument and attack their credibility: "Oh yeah? Why should I listen to someone who sells heroin to kindergarteners?"

Make Shit Up.Are your arguments getting shot down because you can't back them up? No problem: just pull some statistics out of your ass and go nuts. "Well, the crime rate goes down by 33 to 37 percent in states with gun control, so clearly pro-gun control people support mugging little old ladies." If anyone ever asks you where you get your figures, make vague references to articles, journals, or even television programs. "I read an article in the paper a few months ago that showed the earth was only six thousand years old because carbon-dating is bogus." When challenged, make vague references to shadowy conspiracies hiding the truth.


Emphasize and Misinterpret Religion.Trying to convert your audience to whatever religion (or sect) they're not is a foolproof way of looking like a complete wanker. Be careful; if you've had a religious upbringing, you may accidentally take a familiar, moderate position: this is counterproductive. Insist loudly that the Bible is the literal word of God to a community of skeptics; claim that "deviants" are "going to Hell" on alt.sex ; whatever you do, remember that the best way to convert the heathens is to loudly denigrate their beliefs. Don't actually bother learning about any of the religions you impersonate; feel free to just make shit up.

Be sure to cite the Book of 'Revelations'. That one always scores big wanker points with any Biblical scholars who happen to be watching.  ¶ 5:48 AM 1 comments

  Monsoon Brussels Wara gimgha u nofs xemx tizreg, ghadhom kemm infethu bwieb is-sema. Monsoon brusselljan. Xmara kannella hierga minn Parc Cinquantennaire; mara bil-miniskirt taqsam tigri lejn Rue Belliard, inqabdet bla umbrella. Illejla minflok inlegleg Blanche fil-kantuniera ta' Rue Americaine/Rue du Page ma' Balint u Giovanni, immur nara Les Poupees Rousses ta' Klapisch l-UGC.   ¶ 5:40 AM 2 comments

  Apocalypse Now Inkwetat wahda sew Adrian Vassallo MP.

Aqraw dawn l- erba' snippets mill-artiklu tieghu fl-orizzont ta' llum.

Waqa’ fuq pajjizna silenzju li jtarrax. Kont qisni vuci fid-dezert, waqt li l-permessività tixxerred, il-korruzzjoni taqbad l-gheruq u l-valuri jmorru l-bahar.

U sadanittant, zaghzagh taht l-età jidhru jixorbu xorb alkoholiku, jinghataw permessi ghal rave parties, jizdiedu s-separazzjonijiet, tizdied il-vjolenza domestika - u min hu responsabbli, donnu jhares lejn in-naha l-ohra!

Rave party huwa l-kawza ta’ storbju esagerat, muzika ghaddejja l-hin kollu, b’dawl esagerat, u bl-attendenza ta’ eluf ta’ zaghzagh.

Ghalhekk skantajt kif il-MEPA harget il-permess biex, fl-ewwel gimgha ta’ Gunju, jsir rave party ta’ xi 4,000 ruh – f’wahda mill-bajjiet li, s’issa ghadha fl-istat naturali taghha, u fi zmien meta l-ghasfur nazzjonali ta’ Malta, il-Merill, li jinsab fl-inhawi – jkun wasal biex ibejjet.

U l-climax finali:

Jasal iz-zmien fejn min hu hati se jkolu jwiegeb, f’din id-dinja u fl-ohra.

  ¶ 2:19 AM 1 comments

  Excitement grips Europe as Maltese nurses threaten to abandon their island nation - Associated Press Nurses’ certificate opens EU gates wide
by MARK MICALLEF
Fifty-three nurses graduated yesterday from what is known as the “conversion course” which, in the Health Minister’s own words, “opens a door of opportunity for Maltese nurses to specialise or work in other EU member states”. The course helps enrolled nurses advance their training level to EU standards, which makes their qualifications recognisable throughout the union and opens up their prospects of finding employment elsewhere. At recent press conferences, the Malta Union of Midwives and Nurses has reiterated that if the government does not tackle the issues faced by the professionals in the health sector, then it will be heading for a definite brain drain.   ¶ 6:39 AM 3 comments

  Siehbi l-Ungeriz Balint You know for the first time I really feel at home in Brussels. It's partially the alcohol. Where do I put my ash? But it's not just the alcohol it's also the sense of being understood by people whom I never thought would understand me. This is why I've always been hanging around with Hungarians. If I want to be understood and understand I need my own people. The people who speak the same language, who watched the same television shows, who lived under the same regime, who went to the same goddam schools. I've always thought you need to speak to your tribesmen to be understood. But lately I've been proved wrong. I had never ever thought I could speak the same language as someone from the South. And this is a guy who has lived most of his adult life abroad. And I've broken down the barriers. And now that I've broken down the barriers I'm gonna smoke another cigarette. Then I'm gonna go home. Hungary? Hungary is a place which after 15 years is still behind the wall. It's a place where people like a French person because he's French, an English person because he's English. Because they're from the civilized place. From the West, you understand? The streets in Hungary? There's a lot of dogshit. It's not so much the streets. It's the buildings. They're worn and crumbled as if a thousand years of oppression is weighed upon them. They look slightly suppressed as if they are bearing this unnatural weight. Not just their own weight. But an unnatural weight bearing them down. Dictatorships and oppression and closed worlds. The weight of life really. Buildings in Budapest look tired. Just tired of themselves, tired of their history. It's the sadness of being alive, of having seen things, of having gone through it all. But! - and it's a big but. It's a happy sadness. The sadness of an old man who's seen all the wickedness, all the evil but he's seen it all. It's like a good satirical magazine. A good satirical magazine is not meant to be happy. It's meant to be sad. It's like Monty Python. If you see it for the first, second or third time you think it's funny. But if you're willing to watch it for fourth time, and you still like it, and I mean really like it, you realize that it's not funny at all. It's fucking sad. Monty Python is the saddest thing in the world. It's like a madhouse. If you look at a madhouse you think it's funny 'cause people are acting unusually, they're acting fucking weird aren't they? But if you watch them long enough you just realize something's wrong. Not only something's wrong. It's badly wrong. And you get badly scared. Monty Python scares the living shit out of me. So Hungary's about being a loser and laughing about it. And it's a big laugh to be sure. But listen, we've got 3 types of national heroes. The first type is a poet or writer who whines about Hungary and then probably dies poor and outcast after having spent the previous fifty years whining. Most streets in Budapest are named after poets. The 2nd type are idealistic politicians, reform-minded, liberal politicians who died in exile after having failed to beat the system. And the 3rd type are scientists who fled to America and made it there. Guys like John von Neumann who invented the computer, Edward Teller who invented the hydrogen bomb. All made it but made it in America goddamit. So I left because I didn't want to be a failed poet, an exiled politician or an exiled scientist. So I left. And I ain't never goin back there not if I can help it.  ¶ 4:40 PM 0 comments

  400, 000 bloggers After reading I.M. Beck's piece in today's Tajms I imagined Malta's entire population being overcome by a blogging epidemic. In international circles, Malta (and Gozo, don't forget Gozo!) would come to be known as "the island of 400, 000 voices". The world media would investigate the "fascinating social phenomenon sweeping a small Mediterranean island". Reports would talk of Maltese political parties (including Alternattiva) "in disarray as traditional control channels collapse". Local journalists, made redundant, would be up in arms at this "mass attack on our livelihood". Xarabank, proclaiming that it is "l-unika vera vuci tal-massa" would set up a Save the Peppi Kola Campaign. Only Jason, Joe and Harry would attend. The Curia would issue a statement condemning "this new threat to traditional moral values which shows up the egoism, individualism and atomisation of our times". Michel Houellebecq, on a short stay in what he will go on to term "ce trou du cul mediterraneen", would simply say "He he he!". In an interview with Le Monde, Guzeppi Mercieca would decry "this plague coming from Europe". Roamer would agree. Daphne, unseated from her role as Malta's most cutting-edge, outspoken, thorn-in-everyone's-backside journalist, would leave the island, settle in Camden Town and set up a blog there called "Down and Out in Malta and London". The caption would be "jien mhux mara tad-dar". A General Bloggers Union (l-ikbar union f'Malta, Ghawdex u kullimkien) would be set up. Malta would host the annual World Bloggers Festival (250 million visitors and counting) and Francis Zammit Dimech would praise "the huge efforts this government has made in the tourism sector". On hearing this, Evarist Bartolo would smile sardonically. Sant would write a column called Progging the Horse to Death in which he would Predict the end of Maltese politics as we know it...  ¶ 7:01 PM 0 comments

  Pajjizi strambi skond Houellebecq a)Malta-b)Bruxelles-c)Lussemburgu. Il -bicca l-kbira tad-diaspora tar-Rebbiegha l-Gdida telqu minn a) u jinstabu, ghal ragunijiet ovvji, jew f'b) jew f'c). Min traducteur, min referendaire, min assistant, min stagiaire, min auxiliaire, min fonctionnaire u min "membru ewroparlamentari f'isem il-partit lejburista/nazzjonalista". Dawn ta' l-ahhar ta' spiss johorgu dawk li l-habib tieghi l-editur tal-iSprout isejjah "rather dry, meaningless, rectum-staring press releases."

S'issa ghadni ma lmahtx xufiera tax-xarabank Maltin, almenu fuq ir-rotta Trinite-Square de Meeus ("Full-up madame haqq olla"). Dawk kollha Wales marru?

Michel Houellebecq fir-rumanz qasir tieghu Lanzarote (sketch brillanti fuq it-turizmu modern) jghid (jew il-karattri tieghu jghidu) hekk:

They (English holiday makers)...gather in small groups and head for unlikely islands absent from Continental holiday brochures - Malta, Madeira or, indeed Lanzarote.

He spoke of Luxembourg as of a lost Eden, though it's common knowledge that it's a miniscule, mediocre country with no distinguishing characteristics - it's not even a country, more an assortment of dummy companies scattered over parkland, nothing but PO boxes for companies with a taste for tax evasion.

Belgium is an absurd country in steep decline; it is a country which should never have existed.

U by the way, the Germans "will go anywhere there's the sun" and the Italians "will go anywhere there's a cute ass".

Francis "Cannes" Zammit Dimech please note.  ¶ 3:23 PM 2 comments

  Blogging and the provincialism of small nations Hampstead, London

In his latest book Le Rideau (2005), Milan Kundera, who left his "petit pays" for a larger one and has written in French ever since, has a chapter called Die Weltliteratur which starts with this observation:

Qu'il soit nationaliste ou cosmopolite, enracine ou deracine, un Europeen est profondement determine par le rapport a sa patrie.

And on the provincialism of small nations.

Comment definir le provincialisme? Comme l'incapacite (ou le refus) d'envisager sa culture dans le grand contexte. Il y a deux sortes de provincialisme: celui des grandes nations et celui des petites.

Les petites nations sont reticentes au grand contexte...elles tiennent en haute estime la culture mondiale, mais celle-ci leur apparait comme quelque chose d'etranger, un ciel au-dessus de leur tete, lointain, inaccessible, une realite ideale avec laquelle leur litterature nationale a peu a voir. La petite nation a inculque a son ecrivain la conviction qu'il n'appartient qu'a elle.

This reminded me of something Mark Vella had written some time ago in a review of Immanuel Mifsud's literature:

In one of his more insightful critical contributions, Alfred Sant once remarked that a new Maltese literature could only appear by means of a generation of writers that had not experienced the traditional "closed" society.

It is, of course, absurd to say that the loose format of blogs were what Kundera (or Sant) had in mind when they spoke of literature. But to me it seems undeniable that several Maltese blogs are the freshest, most un-provincial, reading material about Malta (or simply by Maltese) at the moment. And I do think that those who have left "the traditional closed society" (after having lived it and known it well) simply have the advantage of feeling free(r).

Blogging may prove to be more important culturally in Malta than in other places.  ¶ 5:10 PM 0 comments

  L'exception culturelle maltaise u l-abort L-iktar haga stramba f'dil-bicca xoghol hi li donnu kulhadd jiddiskuti l-ghaliex ta' din il-proposta Borgjana. Hemm min jghid li semplicement wicc iehor tal- fundamentalizmu vaticano-maltese, hemm minn jghid mod iehor. Imma sa fejn naf jien, il-gvern ghadu ma harigx b'argument legali konkret ghaliex irid jikkostituzzjonalizza meta m'hemm l-EBDA dibattitu pro-choice fil-pajjiz u l-EBDA partit politiku li hu favur l-abort. Simone Veil ghadha ma nghaqdietx mad-Dark Side ta' l-elit liberali Malti.

Nahseb li Toninu Borg ma harigx biha semplicement ghax ma kellux x'jaghmel, jew ghax ried jaljena l-poplu bhal ma implikaw xi whud . Fil-fatt hemm zewg kurrenti interessanti madwar l-EU fuq dil-bicca. Hemm minn qed jghid li jekk jidhol fis-sehh it-Trattat Kostituzzjonali tal-EU, u allura l-Karta tad-Drittijiet li hi parti integrali minnha, (wara n-"Non" Franciz, n-"Nee" Olandiz u l-kop-out ta' Blair il-bierah dan jidher remotissimu) dan ikun theddida ghad-dritt ta' l-ghazla (pro-choice). Assurd hafna da l-argument imma jezisti. U hemm minn qed jghid il-kontra: li jista' jkun li a bazi tal-Karta tinfetah tieqa ghal min irid jistabilixxi dritt pro-choice. Nahseb li dan ukoll argument imgebbed pero' forsi kien bizzejjed biex iwerwer lil tal-Gift of Life u l- bella compania...

EUOBSERVER / BRUSSELS - The Catholic Church has officially endorsed the EU Constitution but concerns among some groups remain about its possible implications for future decisions on issues such as abortion, euthanasia or women priests.
While leaving it up to believers to decide how to vote in referendums, Brussels-based Commission of the Bishops' Conferences of the European Community (COMECE) has previously expressed its support for the new treaty.
But several pro-life and religious activists argue the Charter of Fundamental Rights, which is a part of the European Constitution, includes ambiguous definitions of some human rights, which could lead to their interpretation by the EU top court in a way that runs counter to traditional Christian principles.
At the same time, feminist and pro-abortion lobby groups are making it clear they want to use the provisions of the Charter to extend human rights protection in controversial areas, especially in countries with stricter legislation.

Jista' jkun li l-PN jixtiequ jistabbilixxu "identita' Maltija go l-Ewropa". Qed ihossu li l-kurrenti kontinwi mill-Ewropa/EU kapaci jheddu dawk il-famuzi VALURI SODI MALTIN li dejjem inkantaw u nippuppaw bihom. Din il-proposta ta' Borg naraha bhala assertion ta' dik li l-Francizi jsejhulha l'exception culturelle. Fis-suq liberu ewropew u internazzjonali, il-Francizi jipprotegu l- kultura Franciza (b'mod specjali c-cinema), l-izjed mill-influenza holywoodjana, filwaqt li l-Maltin jaghmlu statement li "l- valuri sodi" jiddistingwuna minn pajjizi ohra.

X'jaghmlek Malti fl-2005?
Inkantaw flimkien: "Il-valuri sodi."  ¶ 9:36 AM 0 comments

  Bloggers in a Huff at the Arrival of High Society Hekk kien jghid l-artiklu fil-back page tal-FT li semmejt fl-ewwel blogg tieghi fil-25 ta' Mejju. U ballec mid-dehra Malta mhux DEJJEM nghaddu mill-affarijiet tletin sena wara! Jidher li l-fenomenu tal-blogging a la maltaise beda xi sentejn jew tlieta wara li faqqa' l-fenomenu internazzjonali. U illum qrajt l-avis annonce ta' artiklu fil-Modern Elegance li kapaci "jhedded" l-buzz tal-underground blogg Malti gimgha wara li deher l-artiklu fl-FT li tistghu taqtghu facilment x'kien jghid.

Insomma erbat ijiem Ravello, fuq il-costa amalfitana ghal tieg Italo (hu)-ingliz (hi) u erbat ijiem ohra fl-Haute Provence, tawni l-ispinta biex nitlaq nibbloggja jien ukoll.

U tlaqt ninnarcisizza QABEL l-artiklu fil-Modern Elegance. Just in time biex nevita l-akkuza ta' jumping on the bandwagon...  ¶ 10:41 AM 0 comments

  Groan from Provence Bargemon, Provence

Dalghodu qomt fil-hamsa mat-tisfir ta' l-aghsafar (x'aktarx il-kuku) u bit-toghma tal-Goudale (Good Ale) u bi frustrazzjoni ckejkna li l-vjaggi u l-qari u l-esperjenzi ta' l-ahhar xhur ghadhom ma nibdtux fi blogg.

Imbaghad dalghodu niccekkja t-Tajms on line u nara din.
Iz-zummara!

Blogging evolution
In a sign that weblogs have become the web phenomenon, evolving from web curiosity into a mainstream medium, Modern Elegance magazine, out with The Times tomorrow, devotes an article to five Maltese people living abroad and who are posting their memoirs on the net.
Weblogs are a compelling personal kind of journal, unique to the internet. For the writers - Mark Vella, Guzé Stagno, Immanuel Mifsud, Toni Sant and Sharon Spiteri - some of them known for the controversial content of their writings, this online diary provides an excellent international point of contact, allows them to write freely about almost anything under the sun, from films to experimental philosophy, and gives them space for self-publicity, as some of them admit.
The blogs are mostly devoted to personal musings.  ¶ 3:55 AM 0 comments